Just Because You Can’t See Your Cellulite Doesn’t Mean It Won’t Be There. [Fun with Press Releases]

Fun With Press Releases: Because sometimes, the beauty industry just goofs.

From: XXXX
Sent: Tue, June 8, 2010 12:54:46 PM
Subject: Womens News: Genetic Test Determines Likelihood Of Cellulite

Dear Ms. XXXX:

As part of your coverage of women’s issues, I thought you or one of your colleagues would want to see this press release. It crossed over BusinessWire at about 10:45 AM eastern time today:

Genetic Test Helps Determine Likelihood Of Cellulite – Before The Swimsuit Makes You Look Fat

Genetic Dermatology R&D Company XXXX Launches Cellulite Gene Test


IRVINE, CA, JUNE 8, 2010 — As summer swimsuit season heats up, women around the world will inspect their looks in the mirror. A majority of them will see cellulite – at some point – but a new genetic test may be able to help them avoid cellulite before anyone notices.

Molecular dermatology research and development innovator XXXX today releases the Cellulite Gene Test for Moderate to Severe Cellulite (gynoid lipodystrophy). The $249 test helps doctors predict if a patient is at a high risk for developing Nurnberger-Muller grade 2 (or greater) cellulite. The information allows a doctor to develop a plan which may include therapy and/or lifestyle changes that may reduce the risk of developing moderate to severe cellulite.

Existing therapies are unlikely to reverse severe cellulite once it has occurred; however, early lifestyle changes including exercise, medication choices (i.e. avoiding birth control and hormone replacement therapy), and therapies, such as laser therapy, may slow or stop development of severe cellulite and improve visual aesthetics.

“Even though cellulite affects a large percentage of women, very few scientific studies have attempted to understand the underlying molecular and physiological basis. Our study of cellulite is a breakthrough in the understanding of the cause of cellulite, and ushers an era of new potential therapies for cellulite,” says XXXXX MD, Research fellow, at the University of XXXX, Italy.

Cellulite Gene Test reports the presence or absence of a specific variation in the angiotensin I-converting enzyme (ACE) gene, which has an important role in the cardiovascular system.

“The Cellulite Gene Test is most appropriate for women who have not yet developed moderate to severe cellulite and may have a family history of cellulite,” says XXXX CEO XXXX.

A patient testing positive for the ACE variant has approximately a 70% chance of developing moderate to severe cellulite.

The patent-pending Cellulite Gene Test kit is available through qualified doctors, who collect a genetic sample using a cheek swab. The sample is mailed to XXXX’s CLIA-certified laboratory for analysis. Results are strictly confidential, delivered only to doctors in two to three weeks.

So let’s break this down:

1. A cellulite gene test? Obviously, this is “women’s news.” (Yes missing an apostrophe above but I had to correct it down here.)

2. “A majority of them will see cellulite – at some point – but a new genetic test may be able to help them avoid cellulite before anyone notices.” Translation: Most of you are already f*cked. But if you’re totally paranoid and zeroing in on cellulite not yet visible to the naked eye, you’re going to want to drop $249 on this test. Which will tell you that you’re going to get cellulite.

3. “Gynoid lipodystrophy” and “Nurnberger-Muller grade 2 cellulite.” Please tell me one of you fine readers is a doctor and can tell us whether these are legit medical terms or the in the same Fake Medicine category as hypotrichosis (“having inadequate eyelashes” as diagnosed by Brooke Shields). Actually, I don’t think we need a doctor for that. I’m just going out on a limb here and say: Thigh dimples are not a medical condition. Bring it on, haters.

4. “The information allows a doctor to develop a plan […] that may reduce the risk of developing moderate to severe cellulite.” Or it may not. You can pay all this money, try the various “therapy and/or lifestyle changes” and still have to learn to live with… thigh dimples.

5. “Very few scientific studies have attempted to understand” cellulite. Because it’s cellulite. Even the word sounds like an infomercial product.

6. “A patient testing positive for the ACE variant has approximately a 70% chance of developing moderate to severe cellulite.” I will put the eleven dollars I made in Beauty U tips tonight on the fact that a patient testing negative for the ACE variant has an equal chance of developing cellulite by sitting on their tuckus.

7. “Results are strictly confidential.” Well. Thank. God. Because if there’s one thing this press release proves, it’s that we’re not ready to accept the Cellulite-Positive woman.

I Googled around for a good image for this post, but all that comes up are shots of women squeezing their thighs to showcase their dimples. Can’t do it. Stop squeezing your thighs. They’re fine.

Advertisements

8 Comments

Filed under Beauty Schooled, beauty standards, Fun with Press Releases, week 29

8 responses to “Just Because You Can’t See Your Cellulite Doesn’t Mean It Won’t Be There. [Fun with Press Releases]

  1. Caroline

    I also love that one thing they suggest is avoiding birth control —

    considering there were girls in my high school who started smoking to lose weight (and they probably weren’t saving themselves for marriage) I think we should just nip that little advertisement in the bud. Your thighs will be much bigger if you are pregnant.

    • Soph

      I know, right! Because condom usage (to name but one) is apparently the #1 cause of cellulite.
      It made me laugh a little.

  2. LOVE it. God forbid I be at risk of developing Nurnberger-Muller grade 2 (or greater!) cellulite. The horror.

  3. penguincity

    I think my eyebrows just crawled off the top of my head reading that.

  4. Z

    “Gynoid lipodystrophy”

    Gynoid = Female-like
    Lipo = fat
    Dystrophy = Defective function (in this case)

    As best I can tell, the Nurnberger-Müller grades are just a way of classifying the severity of the cellulite.

    These are the types of terms plastic surgeons would use, almost exclusively. They are mostly irrelevant to any other medical profession. Which is not to say that plastic surgeons are inherently evil, but they are such specialized terms for a problem that is typically addressed by those folks more so than, say, general practitioners.

  5. NancyP

    Gynoid lipodystrophy is the dermatologic name for extreme versions of cellulite. Personally, I think that extremely common variants of normal don’t really need a name. Lipodystrophy just means “fat of non-standard appearance or distribution”.

  6. Pingback: To Birk or Not to Birk? « Beauty Schooled

  7. Pingback: More Thoughts on Skin (This Time, With Cellulite!) « Beauty Schooled

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s